Emotional or Attentional Bids
John and Julie Gottman, who founded the Gottman Institute in Seattle, WA have written about fundamental units of emotional communication which they called “bids.” These bids happen many times throughout the day when we are with other people, but often go unnoticed because we don’t pay that much attention to our emotions and how they help us navigate our day to day lives. When we start to pay attention to our emotions and how we use them to connect to other people, and vice versa, it is almost like you suddenly see this huge thing that was always there, right in front of you. The words don’t matter so much. Body language and tone of voice are much stronger cues in our verbal communications with other people. But, again, we are often unaware of this.
When someone makes a bid, we can respond in one of three ways: turning toward, turning away or turning against.
Here are some examples of how these bids might play out in our lives:
Turning toward:
Spouse: “Oh my God, I have a terrible headache, I felt like leaving work early today but I made it until 5 o’clock.”
You: “Gosh, I’m sorry to hear you have a headache, why don’t you go lay down for awhile and I’ll make dinner tonight.”
Or
Spouse: “That new Star Wars movie is coming out next weekend and I want to get us tickets to the midnight show, what do you think?”
You: “Hey, that sounds great, go ahead and get the tickets!”
Or
Spouse: “I thought you were going to quit work early tonight so we can go for a walk.”
You: “You’re right, I’m putting all this away until tomorrow, thanks for reminding me of what is most important, which is spending time with you.”
Turning away:
Spouse: “Oh my God, I have a terrible headache, I felt like leaving work early today but I made it until 5 o’clock.”
You: “You’d better take some aspirin.”
Or
Spouse: “That new Star Wars movie is coming out next weekend and I want to get us tickets to the midnight show, what do you think?”
You: “Let me think about it.”
Or
Spouse: “I thought you were going to quit work early tonight so we can go for a walk.”
You: “I’m sorry, I have to get this done first, you go ahead.”
Turning Against:
Spouse: “Oh my God, I have a terrible headache, I felt like leaving work early today but I made it until 5 o’clock.”
You: “You always have a headache when you get home from work! You should go see a doctor or drink more water or something, for crying out loud! Now I’m going to have to make dinner.”
Or
Spouse: “That new Star Wars movie is coming out next weekend and I want to get us tickets to the midnight show, what do you think?”
You: “What the hell? You know I don’t like Star Wars! And even if I did, I’m not going at midnight! Go find someone else to accompany you.”
Or
Spouse: “I thought you were going to quit work early tonight so we can go for a walk.”
You: “Jesus Christ! Get off my back already!”
You get the drift. The point is, hundreds of these bids are happening every day. Over time and especially with partners, children and others to whom we are close, if you are turning away or against more than 20% or 30% of the time, the relationship is not going to be healthy because that other person will not feel connected to you.
Be aware. Pay attention to these bids. If it is a bid for quality time or emotional support or a shared experience or any other kind of bid, you can make it a habit of turning toward that other person. It feels good. It does make you feel more connected.
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